This week’s issue of Novice Writing is a little bit different. I am collaborating with Jordan from
.When I first joined Substack, Jordan was one of the first people that I connected with. He writes so openly about his experiences with ADHD, depression and anxiety in a way that is accessible and interesting for everyone, even those without a diagnosis. He also writes Out of this World for anyone interested in aliens, sci-fi and the great beyond 🛸
When we decided to collaborate we discovered that we really wanted to talk about our experiences of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
OCD is a commonly misinterpreted disorder that is often stigmatised. How many times have you heard someone say they are so OCD because they have to stack the dishes in a certain way or because they are a fan of cleanliness. OCD is so much more than that.
Young Minds provides a helpful definition of OCD below1.
People with OCD have repeating thoughts, images or feelings that are distressing. These are sometimes known as ‘obsessions’ or ‘obsessive thoughts’. Sometimes when our mind is filled with very upsetting thoughts, we can try to take actions that will bring us relief and make the thoughts go away. We might start to believe that these actions will get rid of our anxiety or make these thoughts go away.
Disclaimer: We are not medical professionals and whilst the below experiences and coping strategies are ones we use to help with our OCD symptoms, these may not work for others. It is based purely on our own combined 30 years experience of mental health, so please consult a professional for official advice.
Hattie’s Experience
In hindsight, I’ve always been an obsessive child. I would sit in bed convinced that I would wake up and be the only person left in the world; my parents, my sister, my neighbours - all gone. I had to check with my Mum several times that she would be there in the morning before I could actually feel safe enough to sleep.
Over the years I managed to function pretty normally. I’ve had relationships, graduated University and have subsequently done pretty well at work. I’ve never been able to escape my obsessive brain though which likes to morph my fears and thoughts on a whim. One day I have to take pictures of plug sockets to make sure I don’t inadvertently set my flat on fire and the next I can be convinced that I’m going to commit a horrendous act of violence and end up in jail.
It’s a hideous merry-go-round of anxiety, stress and mental anguish.
If you’ve read earlier issues of Novice Writing, you might be aware that I experienced a breakdown/episode/burnout this year. After some intense therapy I was diagnosed with OCD and have begun to unravel what this means for me.
At the root of my OCD is a fear of uncertainty. I like to have control and I like to know what’s going to happen next. Unfortunately life isn’t like that and would probably be really boring if it was. Do I really want to be able to look in a crystal ball to see all the highs and lows life will bring? That would be just like fast forwarding a film to know what happens in the end - basically joyless.
The enemy of anxiety is acceptance. I can’t get rid of my OCD but I am learning how to take away it’s power by allowing it to be present whilst not giving it the power to take over my life.
OCD is like that annoying relative at the party (let’s call her Aunty Sue.) She’s a bit of a know it all and likes to question my life choices. Sue is a pain but I can’t kick her out of the party (she is family after all) but what I can do is accept she’s there and not going away, pay less attention to what she says and maybe have a laugh at her ridiculousness sometimes.
How I manage
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
I’ve just begun a course of 20 CBT sessions to try and modify my behaviours so my obsessive thoughts are less intense. It feels kind of like school, I have a lot of homework and worksheets to complete but I like that I am taking control of my own recovery.
My Therapist has warned me that it could take five months to notice a real difference as my OCD is so entrenched but I can already feel a slight shift in my thinking patterns. I am starting to identify and label my thoughts, allowing some distance between the OCD and what I really value.
Feeding the beast
As I mentioned I crave control and so I look for ways I can minimise uncertainty at every turn. The ironic thing is that by trying to control my thoughts or feelings, I’m actually adding fuel to the OCD bonfire. This can take the form of…
Googling
Google is not my friend when it comes to OCD. I have been known to diagnose myself with tropical diseases, convince myself I am dying and that the apocalypse is round the corner - all through the magic of Google!
When I feel the urge to search something online now, I try to pause and think why I feel the urge to Google - is it out of fear or genuine interest. This helps me identify how I am feeling and modify my behaviour before I end up in a spiral of anxiety.
Reassurance
A bit of reassurance now and again can be helpful but when you’re obsessively asking your partner if you’re going to kill someone - not so much. Constant reassurance creates a chronic dependence on others as well as potentially triggering even further obsessive thinking as the brain gets stuck on particular phrases or ideas.
Instead of seeking reassurance, I instead try and seek comfort instead. I might ask my partner for a hug or go for walk with friends. This allows me to get the right support without feeding the OCD beast with more things to obsess about.
Jordan’s Experience
It’s summer. Bright and blue, 25 degrees. The smell of freshly laid tarmac wafting over, the ‘chugugugu’ sound of nearby roadworks, and general hum of after work drinkers, tourists, and people going about their day. Heading off to a social engagement, I dropped some of my ADHD medication by accident in the middle of a busy road. It was 20mg of Vyvanse, and I picked it up and scurried along the road like a hermit crab to escape chaotic London traffic.
Thinking nothing more of such a mundane occurrence, I arrived at my destination and ordered a Moretti to see off a busy week.
But then.
‘What if you didn’t pick up all the medication?’
Wha-…
‘Ya know, what if you missed one capsule. What if a kid walks over the crossing and picks it up’
Don’t be so ridic-
‘No, no, no. You know that’s possible. It literally has a possibility percentage. It could happen. The kid could pick it up, eat it, and die. Your tolerance of ADHD stimulants as an adult is not the same as a child, and it will be YOUR fault’
Umm-ing and ahh-ing mid mental conversation, I decide decisive action is required for such an emergency. I leave the pub and walk across the crossing where the crime was committed earlier. To my surprise, there is no medication astray on the floor.
This was in May earlier this year. Whilst I was able to temporarily alleviate my intense paranoia, that wasn’t the first or last time I’ve come face to face with the Satan’s snake of a mental disorder that OCD is.
Worrying people not liking me
Accidentally cheating in a relationship
Not seeing my boss for a few weeks and thinking I’m going to get sacked
Accidentally committing a crime
Checking the door is shut 3 times
OCD takes many forms. It isn’t just checking actions (although this is a component), it’s unpleasant / intrusive thoughts about pretty much anything. Personally, mine is most aggressive with relationships and losing medication, incurring untold death upon the UK population.
It’s quite easy to take an objective outsider view of my experience back in May. EVEN if I did miss one capsule, the likelihood of the scenario I created in my head was next to zero. OCD doesn’t work like that. The probability of your worst fear can be 0.0000001%, yet that slim chance still dominates any rational thinking.
I only realised I had OCD when I spoke to my therapist about these debilitating ruminations earlier this year.
The Evil Phone
Like I do with depression, anxiety, and ADHD, I’ve metaphorized OCD to give it some opaqueness and trick my mind into realising it’s not so scary after all.
OCD is an evil version of my iPhone. It takes glee in barraging me with unwanted messages and notifications of my transgressions. If I don’t look at the phone itself, it has the ability to extract its Siri voice into my brain until I take action to soothe the echo.
I liken engaging with OCD thoughts to fanning a flame. The more I try to blow it away, the more intense the fire gets, eventually eroding my mental infrastructure to ashes. However if I leave it alone and quietly leave the room, it diminishes over time.
OCD is a spider in a web, a bad acid trip, and a stuck record player all at once. It takes carefully coordinated moves, willpower, and presence of mind to evade its clutches.
How I Manage
Avoidance
Picture this - there are 2 doors in front of you. Door A is labelled the ‘Face Eating Leopard Room’, and Door B is labelled the Normal Room. You need to make a choice. If you knew a face eating leopard was in the first room, would you pick it? Unless you are an actual leopard, I’m assuming no.
As easy as it sounds, knowing what my metaphorical leopards are and avoiding situations where they present themselves is something I do (where possible). For example, if I go on a trip and know I might worry about dropping my medication, I will put them securely in a washbag, in a rucksack as opposed to my jean / short pocket.
However, OCD being the crafty bugger it is, there are sometimes triggers which I cannot avoid. This leads me on to…
Ignoring
‘But Jordan, this sounds similar to Avoidance?’
Correct, but the difference is context. I use Avoidance to completely remove any chance of exposure to my OCD triggers. However ignoring can be used when you’ve already been exposed, and the virus has started to get its claws into your cerebral cortex (sorry, it doesn’t actually do this but it helps describe how awful it is).
How do I do this? I still acknowledge the thought exists, but from afar. Think of it like watching some traffic from a distance. I can either get really close and try to actively dodge the cars, or I can stand on the side of the road and reduce the chances of getting hit. It’s the same principle. I’m still aware I’ve got some mental traffic building up, but instead of engaging, I notice it, label it as ‘OCD’, and don’t feed it.
Instead, I’ll do something else for 15 minutes; gym, washing up, some work, a walk (this is a great one). Usually the intensity of the intrusion subsides - this opens the floor quite nicely for…
Delay, Delay, Delay
Sometimes it’s impossible to avoid (Door B has vanished), and hard to ignore (Door A still has the Face Eating Leopard). In this case, how do I survive?
Delay engaging / discussing the thought until another point in time. Like my previous point, this could be 5 minutes or 5 days - the key is I set aside a specific time to worry about the OCD thought and wait until then.
This does 1 of 2 things. Either:
The thought subsides, and I forget it was even an issue
I still remember it, but I’m better equipped to rationalise the thought with techniques such as CBT / logical thinking (please do speak to a medical professional on how best to employ this though)
I’ve had plenty of times where OCD has popped up, and I made a promise to myself to wait until the next therapy session to discuss it. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I discuss and we go through the necessary techniques to reduce the intensity. If you knew you had a Leopard Taming Device arriving in 2 days, surely you’d wait it out before going through the door?
(you have food and water for the duration, so don’t worry)
Our Final Thoughts
HB: OCD is a bully, it will try and make you feel small and alone. You can’t fight it, you can’t control it’s actions but you can choose not to give it space in your brain.
I’ve found that by focusing on my values as well as using the tools mentioned above, it becomes easier to give the OCD less air time. It might be a constant part of my life, but it doesn’t define who I am.
JM: The trouble with my OCD is it never truly goes away (for me). Even if I eradicate one obsession, it will find a way to latch onto something completely different. Sometimes they’re completely inconsequential, sometimes not so much and they disturb the very fabric of my being. The subject doesn’t matter. It can always be debilitating.
If you know someone with OCD, or talks about something like it, please show empathy and listen.
You just might help them delay enough.
Helpful Resources
Young Minds - comprehensive and accessible explanations of multiple mental health conditions, treatments and access to support.
Cherelle Roberts - Cherelle is an qualified therapist and an ex-health anxiety sufferer. She has great videos on how to cope with OCD/health anxiety. Her story of recovery is also hugely inspiring.
OCD UK - a national charity providing awareness, resources and community groups for those affected by OCD.
We’d love to know more about your experiences of OCD and what works for you? Leave a comment below to join the discussion…
Really enjoyed this! Thank you both for sharing your experiences with OCD and coping mechanisms. Sometimes you can’t kick Aunty Sue out of the family party, but you can accept she’s there (from a distance, and possibly next to a face-eating leopard)
"It’s a hideous merry-go-round of anxiety, stress and mental anguish."
Okay, so this just answered the question I asked in Jordan's version of the story. I wondered if it caused aggravation or distress.
I'm always so riveted by Jordan's writing, I'm glad his post led me to yours.